Life Lessons
by Lemondropx
Summary: What happens when the four Heads of Houses try to educate their students about Sex? Well one thing's for sure, they learn a few Life Lessons.


"So...how are you both doing this morning?" Harry asked hesitantly, in an attempt to get his two best friends to talk. It was the morning after Gryffindor had won an intense Quidditch match, the morning after Hermione had seen Ron kissing Lavender and the morning after their friendship had hit rock-bottom.

Harry had expected things to be awkward, but not this bad. They were sitting on either side of him, purposefully not looking at eachother.

Hermione cast Ron the dirtiest look out of the corner of her eye. "I've been better," she replied curtly and turned back to reading her worn copy of 'Hogwarts, A History'.

"Ye, what she said," Ron muttered and went back to staring around the bright and bustling Great Hall.

Harry groaned, and dropped his spoon in his bowl of cornflakes with a loud clatter. "Ok this is ridiculous - both of you just say something?" he begged.

Hermione whipped her head around and slammed her heavy tome down onto the table. "I have nothing to say Harry, especially not to the likes of him," she spat, her chocolate-brown eyes sparking dangerously as she eyed the furious red-head on the other side of Harry.

"The likes of me? Why I-"

"If I could have your attention please." Ron stopped mid-sentence, as did the rest of the hall as Dumbledore's voice filled the Hall and he stood up at the Teacher's Table to address the students. "It has come to my attention that the number of students staying out after hours has risen considerably in the past year - particularly concerning young couples," at this the Headmaster stopped to pause and a number of students shifted awkwardly in their seats. Including Ron, who Hermione only glared at. "As such, our caretaker Mr. Filch has asked the Professors and I to do something about it, and therefore all 5th, 6th and 7th years will be missing the first two periods this morning to attend an important meeting with their Heads of Houses in their Common Rooms."

The entire Hall seemed to turn around and scowl at Filch, who simply grinned back at them all. 'Justice,' he thought cunningly to himself and practically skipped from the Great Hall now that his work was done.

"Now that breakfast is over, if you would all be so kind as to follow your Head of Houses, and have a wonderful day," Dumbledore smiled knowingly at the students, particularly the older ones, and gave a nod to them all before pushing his chair away from the table and ushering the other teachers to do the same.

Harry noted that each Head of House was already gathering their students into orderly lines, each one going about their duty differently.

McGonagall looked stern as usual as she began rounding up the older students into a line with a rolled up scroll. Flitwick tottered over to his House table, carrying a book with what looked like a human body diagram on the front cover, and asked his students to bring a quill and some parchment to take notes. Professor Sprout was bouncing around with excitement and asked her students to kindly follow her, and if they wanted to get some popcorn from the kitchens on the way then they were most welcome to. Snape however was the most comical, and he began grabbing students by the back of the robes and dragging them out of the Hall. He honestly looked like he wanted to be doing anything else but this.

Ron and Hermione pushed themselves up from the table at the same time and began shoving each other to get to the line first, while Harry picked his books up and sprinted to the front where McGonagall was.

He was desperate to get out of that awkward situation with the pair of them, and gladly followed his Head of House and the rest of his classmates up to Gryffindor Tower - unaware that he was about to walk into a whole new kind of awkward situation.

* * In the Gryffindor Common Room * *

"If you'd all take a seat, we'll begin as soon as possible," McGonagall said sternly. It was meant as a request but came across as more of a demand and students began scrambling to find a seat furthest away from the teacher who took her place in front of the roaring fire.

The couches and chess tables were gone, and instead the room was filled with multiple rows of wooden chairs, all facing McGonagall at the front of the room.

"Move," Ron hissed at Hermione who had taken the last free seat next to Harry, Seamus and the rest of his friends at the back of the room next to the stairs.

"Make me," she challenged and scowled when Lavender came skipping up to plant a kiss on Ron's cheek.

"Ah Mr. Weasley, Miss Brown, there are plenty of seats in the front row," she gestured to them and with a final dirty look cast over his shoulder at Hermione, Ron trudged to the front row and slumped down into one of the seats - Lavender right next to him.

"Now students, as you've probably gathered this is a rather serious talk and should be treated as such," she took a moment to eye Seamus at the back of the room. "Now, we will first begin with a quiz-" the students all groaned while Hermione began rummaging through her bag for a quill and a piece of parchment. "-SILENCE! It is not a normal quiz, I want you to raise your hands if you know another word or way of saying 'Sex'."

The students only blinked at her before a roar of laughter erupted from the back of the room. Before McGonagall knew it, tears were blinding her students. That was until they all realized she wasn't joking and then everything became deadly quiet. Seriously. If you listened hard enough you could hear crickets in the background.

"Well?" McGonagall prompted.

"SHAGGING!" Seamus yelled.

"FUCKING!" Dean called out.

"Going ALL the way," Cormac stated, smirking suggestively at Hermione.

"Oh for pity sake - can we move AWAY from the inappropriate terms please?" McGonagall frowned.

"L-Lovemaking," Neville stuttered. The majority of males in the room simply blinked at him while a chorus of 'Awwwws' broke out from the girls.

"Very good Mr. Longbottom," McGonagall praised.

"Making Love," Lavender sighed as she gazed adoringly at Ron, earning more than a few howls of laughter from the back of the room.

"I'm very impressed, you all seem to have a healthy knoweledge on this topic," McGonagall acknowledged.

"She doesn't know the half of it," Seamus chuckled and Cormac joined in while winking at Hermione.

"Now I would just like to clear up a few misconceptions about Sex," she announced and cleared her throat as she unrolled the scroll she'd been holding in her hand. "'Voldemort is responsible for your raging hormones' - this is not true, it is all down to changes that you are experiencing as you travel through Puberty. 'Babies do not come from the Great Hippogriff'-" the room broke out into a fit of giggles again. "-QUIET! It may seem ridiculous but people in the past used to actually believe this and it got them into very serious predicaments involving pregnancys, infections and serious diseases-"

"What kind of infections and diseases Professor?" Seamus smirked at her. He was having way too much fun with this talk of theirs.

McGonagall shifted awkwardly on the balls of her feet and seemed to get quite flustered at the rather forward question.

"Well - rashes and STI's and things like that Mr. Finnigan," she answered in a rush.

"I once had a rash down there..." Ron muttered to himself, unaware that the entire room had just heard him. Hermione couldn't help but laugh and Harry nudged her and gave her a rather pointed look. Seamus and Dean had never been more grateful for sitting near the back as they were able to sneak up the stairs and dissolve into uncontrollable fits of laughter.

"Mr. Weasley, if you have a rash in that particular region of your body I suggest you go and see Madame Pomfrey," McGonagall said to Ron, whose face was positively scarlet. "Now, let us continue..."

* * Meanwhile in the Ravenclaw Common Room * *

"What do you think he's going to talk about?" Cho whispered to Luna as they settled down into their desks.

The room was filled with them, and several desks were placed on platforms that were higher up than the desk in front of it, making the bright, airy circular room feel a lot like a lecture hall. Especially when Professor Flitwick stepped up to a large podium.

"I'm not sure, but I do hope there aren't any Nargles in these old desks," Luna replied as she lifted the lid of her desk and began inspecting it.

"Students! If I could have your undivided attention?" Flitwick chirped from his spot on the ground and with a wave of his wand, a board appeared out of thin air depicting three large diagrams.

On the left of the board showed the female reproductive system in intense detail.

On the right side of the board was a corresponding one of the male reproductive system and in the middle was the mother of all graphic images.

A couple having sex.

Unlike the reaction in the Gryffindor Common Room, the students didn't burst out laughing or cringe at the sight before them - instead they gathered their quills and parchments and sat silently as they took notes on everything their beloved Professor had to say about the 'Miracle of Life'.

* * In the Hufflepuff Common Room * *

"Wow look at the room!" Ernie Macmillian cried as he and the rest of the Hufflepuff 5th, 6th and 7th years piled into the cosy space.

The comfy yellow and black overstuffed couches were all arranged around the room so that they faced a large puppet theatre by the far wall.

The small circular windows that lined the top of the dirt walls had been covered with red velvet theatre-like curtains and the potted plants that hung from the ceiling held little candles to illuminate the dim space.

"It's amazing," Hannah Abbot agreed, carrying a bowl of warm popcorn that the House Elves had just made for her. She admitted it was quite handy that the Hufflepuff basement was only seconds away from the kitchens.

Students began taking their places on the couches next to each other, while others sat on the edge of the circular stone fire pit in the centre of the room.

"Want to sit over here?" Ernie asked, gesturing to a small loveseat close to the front.

"Sure," she agreed and walked over with him and settled down, placing the popcorn bowl in between them.

"So what do you think this is all about then?" he asked casually, taking a handful of popcorn and munching away at it happily.

"I'm not sure - perhaps its a run through of a show we're putting on for the younger ones?" she suggested with a shrug as she leaned over to a group of other students to offer them some of their snack.

At that, the candles above their heads dimmed and the students hushed conversation were silenced as a spotlight appeared over the Puppet Theatre.

"Looks like we're going to find out!" Ernie whispered as Hannah settled back down.

All was quiet for a moment until a perky, familiar, instrumental tune began to fill the air. As Ernie pondered what it could be, he recognized it as the tune to that Muggle nursery rhyme: Pop Goes the Weasel.

Suddenly, the curtain opened to reveal a little hand puppet skipping around the stage. It was a girl, that much was obvious by her long blonde hair, rosy cheeks and bright pink dress. She was singing a little tune to herself when Professor Sprouts voice registered in their ears, and another hand puppet appeared next to the girl one.

This one was a boy and was wearing all blue with dark spikey brown hair.

"Hello Mrs. Puppet," Professor Sprout said in a low voice, pretending to be the male puppet. "Let's make a baby!"

* * Meanwhile in the Slytherin Common Room * *

"What in the name of Merlin's arse crack is THAT?" Pansy sneered as she and the rest of the Slytherins sauntered into the dimly lit Common Room.

"That, Miss Parkinson, would be a Muggle projector," Snape replied in a dull and obvious tone of voice.

"And what is that trash doing here?" Draco asked, sinking down into one of the many dark wood throne-like chairs placed about the room, and pulling Pansy onto his knee.

"That 'trash' as you call it Mr. Malfoy is going to be a part of your lesson this morning," Snape replied, still in his monotone voice as he stood by the projector in front of the fire. With the flames illuminating his dark silhouette he looked more menacing than ever as he resembled a sort of demon.

"Oh shit - I told you we'd get caught for telling those first years to build a tree house in the Whomping Willow!" Crabbe hissed to Goyle.

"Shut it you two," Draco glared at them. Honestly, they could be so irritating. "What's this about Snape? I have some business to attend to," he asked arrogantly. He had to get to work on that Vanishing cabinet.

"Your business can wait as I'm sure Miss Parkinson can! If you'd be so kind as to not swallow his face at this present time?" Snape asked with a pointed look at Pansy, who was indeed trying to snog Draco senseless.

Draco repositioned her so that she wasn't quite straddling him anymore and was instead sitting with her legs across his.

"No luck mate," Blaize sniggered from the chair next to Draco's and nudged him playfully when Draco only glared back in response.

"I'd rather not bother teaching you children-" he practically spat the word,"-about the science of love-making. But in order for you to truly understand the lies and pain of relationships I am going to show you this incredibly graphic pornographic video-"

"Oh for the love of Merlin!" a couple of sixth years cried from the back and began scrambling towards the stone wall that would open to let them flee the room.

"-PETRIFICUS TOTALUS MAXIMA!" Snape cried and in an instant all of the students in the room were frozen. "Now, you WILL sit and watch this film. As I understand it, it got excellent reviews," he explained as he levitated the frozen students on the floor into chairs and arranged everyone so that their eyes were stuck open and their heads were turned to the projector.

It wasn't visible, seeing as he as frozen, but Draco could only cringe at the sheer awkwardness of the situation as the lights went out and the words "Hot cauldron full of love XXX," appeared on screen.

* * One Month later * *

"Hear Ron, let me help you," Hermione offered and moved around the other side of Ron to help him slide onto the bench next to Harry at dinner.

"About time you two were speaking again," Harry smirked at them both. "It only took him almost dying for you both to come to your senses," Harry scoffed and was promptly whacked over the head with Hermione's book bag and silenced with a pointed glare from Ron.

"Well - it doesn't make sense to keep up the bickering after what happened," Hermione reasoned, and instead of sitting on the other side of Harry like normal, she settled down next to Ron instead and began helping him plate up his food.

"Ye, and I mean we've only got one more day left of school and there's Christmas - and, and you'll come and visit right Hermione?" Ron asked hopefully, his eyes growing wider along with his grin for every helping of mashed potatoes and steak that Hermione loaded onto his plate.

"Ofcourse," she blushed and placed the plate in front of him.

"You're the best 'Mione," Ron sighed and began tucking into his feast.

"You two might want to calm down on the new 'nice' routine," Harry joked. "At this rate it'll be Hermione that's sharing your room when she comes to visit, and not me!"

Again Hermione leaned over to whack Harry over the head.

"Not likely mate, I'm still not over that Sex-ed talk. I mean bloody hell, how awkward was that?" Ron exclaimed through a mouthful of food.

"Ye, if it's all the same I think I'll wait until Ron gets rid of his rash," Hermione teased and smirked as she loaded up her own plate of food.

"THAT WAS ONE TIME! IT WAS-"

A soft chime sounded from the front of the Hall and Ron settled back down as Professor Dumbledore stood up to address the students.

'Brilliant, another chance to make McGoggles squirm,' Seamus thought to himself.

'Oh yes, a chance to add more to my notes on Sexual Intercou- oh look a Wrackspurt!' Luna thought and her eyes began following some invisible creature around the room.

'Another Puppet Show! Maybe I'll get to make the props this time,' Ernie thought to himself hopefully.

'Oh fuck me, not another XXX-rated Porno session with Snape,' Draco cringed.

"Now students, before we all depart for this most Magical of holiday seasons, I have some excellent news for you all and a special task for our 5th, 6th and 7th year students."

The older students around the room all shifted awkwardly in their seats in anticipation for what the Headmaster was going to make them do.

"I'm sure you'll all be delighted to know, that after your meetings over a month ago, that the number of couples staying out after hours has dramatically decreased," he smiled at them all, and when no one cheered or clapped like he'd expected he moved on. "Now to inform you about your tasks for when you return after the holidays. Your Heads of Houses were dreading those meetings with you all - particularly Professor Snape. I expect you'd all be surprised to learn, that the people who gave you those meetings were not actually your Heads of House!" a chorus of startled gasps and mumbles rang out through out the hall.

If they weren't the Heads of Houses then who the Hell were they?

"They were in fact Healers from the St. Mungos Maternity ward under the effects of Polyjuice Potion as per my request! Each one had been instructed in how to act with all of you and were given a list of your names to make it as convincing as possible. As I understand it, they were impressed with how well you all approached the matter and to prove your in-depth understanding of the topic, you are all asked to prepare a group presentation to present to your REAL Heads of Houses when you return after the holidays!"

The students only blinked at him before groaning in unison. Harry registered that a few people on his table slammed their heads off of the shiny wooden surface.

'NO! I wanted that to be old McGoggles!' Seamus cried to himself as he repeatedly slammed his head off the table.

'I can contribute my notes to the presentation!' Luna chirped and began discussing plans for the presentation with her fellow Ravenclaws.

'I get to make the props!' Ernie thought triumphantly to himself.

'So we get to freeze Snape, subject him to awkward torture in the form of a porno and get to use it all as black mail against him later? Justice,' Draco smirked to himself and began ordering people to get a copy of that porno for him before the holidays were finished.

A/N: This story was inspired by a cartoon picture I saw! I know that the timing is off with the whole Lavender/Ron/Hermione situation, but I hope you still liked it nonetheless! Reviews are always appreciated, and I wish you all a Happy New Year! :D


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